For Dom: Renegades Episode 2: Late for a Movie

The passengers sit serenely in their seats, in neat orderly rows. They get up and sit down when told; they drink and eat what they are given. These monotonously robotic passengers have no idea that today will be different for them, today their ordered little lives are about to be rocked by a couple of… RENEGADES!!!

“Looks like we’re about to hit some turbulence,” drones the captain of the hopelessly uncool plane. The fasten seat belt sign blinks on with a single metallic note and the passengers follow the protocol with vacant stares while slowly chewing the stinking globs they have been given as food.
Then a boot appears, crashing through the emergency exit of the plane! The cabin depressurizes as the brown blobs of rancid food mixed with trashy books, and magazines adored with idyllic airbrushed bodies swirl into the air and out the door.
The passengers don’t scream, they just hold onto their seats, stunned that this sort of disaster would dare disturb their mundane lives. Then as they stare, they see whom the boot belongs to as two leather-jacket clad motorcyclists fly through the airlock door, slamming it behind them. They screech across the airplane, skidding to a stop right before hitting the opposite side of the airplane’s emergency exit. The two intruders slam down their kick stops on their red and blue Ducattis The passengers gape, the stewardesses’ mouths drop to the floor as they shift their glances between their ruined kitchen and the two mystery men on the bikes.
The ominous figure on the red Ducatti is the first to dismount. His right leg swings over his bike and the black boot hits the floor makes it reverberate like an earthquake. His helmeted head surveys the blank faces of the passengers and the dumbstruck stewardesses. Then his gloved hands reach up and pull off the jet-black helmet to reveal the face of RH103! The passengers gasp!
A small beeping is heard and the passengers glance around, baffled.
The second biker looks at his watch on his left wrist, and stops it. He then reaches up and pulls off his helmet, to reveal the face of Sage! The passengers excitedly whisper!
“Looks like we’re a bit early,” he said out of the corner of his mouth that his blunt cigar did not occupy.
The captain’s voice drones over the intercom “Sorry about the folks, looks like were through the worst of it.” The fasten seat belt sign clicks off with a dull metallic ding.
“I am afraid that I have to disagree with the captain! The worst IS yet to come!” comes a Russian accented voice behind the two RENEGADES. The lavatory door slides open to reveal a tall woman with a deep scowl on the half of her face that is showing under her dark bangs. Her frown is sinister, and all you can see of her squinting eyes is their pitch-black pupils.
“Hello boys,” she intones in her low accented voice, as she sashays toward the Renegades. She slides up toward RH103 and swiftly slaps him across the face. “That’s for not emailing me! And this,” she proclaims as she gestures down the aisles of the plane “is for breaking my heart! Now my team of highly trained Ninjas will break YOU!”
She raises her long finger as the overhead bins storage fly open and a gaggle of Ninjas stream out! The passengers scream and run around like chickens with their heads cut off. The Ninjas move swiftly down the aisles toward the Renegades, surrounding them and the woman. RH103 and Sage casually glance around the airplane, the screaming passengers just beyond the periphery of the ring of ninjas. After a few moments, they look over their shoulders at each other and nod slightly then spring into action! Sage goes low, tripped the slower Ninjas, and grabbing two of their nun chucks. RH103 goes high, with a flying kick knocks out the Ninjas adjacent to the woman. Sage’s nun chucks move so fast and ferociously that they are invisible to the naked eye. RH103 disappears underneath a pile of stabbing, swinging and punching Ninjas as he dives toward the Russian woman.
One by one the Ninjas’ bodies are seen flying across the plane, or are being locked in the remaining kitchen cabinets, carts and lavatories. RH103 is still nowhere to be seen, the passengers are crowded in the aft of the plane, screaming and hiding their faces as blood spatters the walls around them. The passengers, however become concerned, they start whispering, worrying, wondering what happened RH103? Could the killer Ninjas actually dispensed with the immortal Renegade? Why was the cigar smoking Sage not concerned, and simultaneously cooking a meal in the remains of the kitchen while he was still battling the Ninjas? They had to help them! They had to help the Renegades, even if it meant becoming Renegades themselves!
The passengers ran up the aisles, screaming a battle cry. They swarmed on the remaining Ninjas, dragging them down and disarming them. “You flippin’ Ninjas!” some shouted. “You mother flippin’ had better not have hurt the Renegades!” A few of the passengers grabbed and dragged back a few stationary Ninjas, and they uncovered an unexpected sight: RH103 and the Russian, making out in two of the first class seats.
Sage popped up behind the stunned passengers, shrugged said: “Oh, that RH103, what’ll he do next!” Everybody shoock with laughter, and Sage announced, “Who wants some deep dish pizza!” The passengers cheered as Sigur Ros Untitled 8 started playing and they all got down.
“Wait a minute! Deep dish?” asks one of the broken boned Ninjas bleeding and dragging himself along the floor “but isn’t that horribly unhealthy?”
“Well, that's what makes them Renegades!” chimed the passengers, and then everyone rocked out to some more Radiohead, Air and the Pixies.
“Sorry crew, but now we gotta jet, adios buddies!” shouted Sage as he downed the last slice with one bite and pulled on his helmet.
RH103 freed himself from the clutches of the Russian woman and leapt onto his bike, gunning the motors. The Ducattis flew down the aisles and out the rear emergency exit as people dove for their seatbelts. As our heroes flew down to their next adventure, they could just hear over the whistling of the wind, the Russian woman screaming: “Damn you Renegades!”

Hundreds of feet below, at the San Francisco Aquarium tourists and visitors were taking pictures of the humpback whales. They were idly snapping pictures of the depressed suicidal animals until they heard a faint whistling. The tourists started looking around, wondering if this was a whale song or some emergency beacon. The whistling grew steadily stronger until it was apparent that it the source was somewhere above them!
The tourists looked to the sky and saw two red and blue dots growing larger and larger. Their mouths gapped at the sight, as the dots seemed to be headed right toward them! Just then, they saw two of the whales move toward the surface and let out a fury of water from their blowholes. The water came up right below the two shapes falling out of the sky, perfectly enough to slow their fall, then came a crash as the tourists saw two Renegades ride their Ducattis through the water next to the whales! The motorcyclists hadn’t dismounted from their bikes yet, and as they floated downward, they gunned their motors, headed with the whales toward the gates separating the aquarium tank from the ocean! The whales and the Renegades crashed through the barrier as the tourists cheered and the whales sang.
The Renegade’s heads surfaced above the water, and they stripped off their helmets. Sage checked his watch.
“5 minutes until the premiere starts in LA,” he noted., out of the corner of his mouth not occupied by his soggy cigar.
“We’ll make it,” said RH103 with confidence, and they he turned toward the happy waiting whales. The two renegades were suddenly being raised unnaturally out of the water, as two sharks appeared below them and the whales snap their tales down onto the water, creating a giant tidal wave!
The Shark riding Renegades ride the wave threw the streets of San Francisco, down the highway and into LA. They grab two tuxedos off of mannequins as they pass, but then Sage says “Sorry, but we’ve got to make a stop.”
The tidal wave and the sharks park outside of a nursing home where the Renegades read to the residents and serve them food. The serve the residents until sirens interrupt them as the all too square PETA shows up and surrounds the place!
“Come out with your hands up!”
“What a damn cliché!” RH103 shouts back, as the poor nursing home residents struggle out of their home onto the street with their arms raised.
“If you want us to come out, you’ll have to think of something more interesting, like tempting us with some fine steaks and ice cream to eat!” shouts Sage.
“Or some Argentinean orphan meat!” suggests RH103.
“Shocking, much like the early shorts by David Lynch.”
“Ahh, I am glad you brought him up, I was just reminded of his works when I was teaching blind children how to write the alphabet in Guatemala…”
PETA gets impatient and they throw in some torches to burn the place down. The home erupts with flame, but RH103 and Sage crash through the glass windows carrying the last two people inside, a pair of hot nurses. As the pair of Renegades and newfound friends gets back on the sharks, they throw a briefcase full of hundred dollar bills and Sage calls in Frank Gehry who already started rebuilding the home for free.
“You called Gehry? I prefer Ito.” Notes RH103 as they are carried toward LA.
“Ito! His pretentious styling makes me cringe, he has to tone it down, and then we might as well have asked James Joyce to write in declaratives.”
“Well, that seems like you, you prefer the primitive machismo expressed in Germanic music and Hemingway.”
“Oyster, I hardly knew her!” interrupts Nurse 1. The two white clad guests both laugh, as they slowly slip off the back of the sharks, into the depths of the rolling wave. The Renegades would have saved them, but they were lost a long time ago…

Miles away, at the Chinese theater in Hollywood, the largest and most ridiculously mind-blowing red carpet extravaganza ever conceived was taking place. There were somersaulting acrobats, a pool full of caviar and crème fresh, a champagne slip and slide red carpet, Cuban cigar smoke blown at the crowd by giant fans, diamond studded bicycles, gigantic gold plated animatronics posters of the stars faces that spouted their catch phrases and a platinum Baskin Robbins that gave out free Ice Cream but periodically erupted in flame.
The theater marquee read:
RENEGADES: A Musical Tale of Procrastination, Pizzas, Adventure, Intrigue, Emails, Music, Friendship and Tap-dancing!
Starring: Denzel Washington, Dave Chapelle, and Don Cheadle as RH103!
Sean Connery as Sage!
Guest starring Will Smith as RH103.
The attendees included the entire UN (but they had to sit in the folding chairs at the back), the deliveryman from Florian (he got a better seat), Woody Allen, the cast of Family Guy, heads of many countries, and the reanimated Fedrico Fellini! But the guests of honor were still missing. Then, down the boulevard came an ominous rumbling, as a rush of water filled the street, and on top of it were the two shark-riding Renegades! The tumbling water quickly drenched the crowd, and the Renegades glide down the slip and slide red carpet. As they slid past the representatives of the Academy, they were presented their Oscars in advance (in every category, even the technical awards), and the Renegades threw the extras out into the crowd because their were two many to carry.
As the renegades slide into their premiere in slow motion, the night sky is light by the flaming Baskin Robins and an explosion of fireworks. The pair turns around one last time as the light illuminates their faces, giving one last wave to the throbbing masses.
The night is young, and the Renegades have a masterpiece to attend. As they enter, the screams fade, and they are embraced by dead silence, tears already shinning on the audience’s faces. The opening cords of the overture for the movie strike a haunting note, and the Renegades relax and are sated, for the moment…
The End… or is it?